Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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