The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize