And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
