something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
