the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
