I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
