a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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