I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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