I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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