How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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