theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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