Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Bring me that man meat
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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