My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
