i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
