Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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