I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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