Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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