It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
