I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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