my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize