I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
