when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
