That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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