I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
