it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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