last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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