shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
