He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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