Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize