Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
my poor anus
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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