I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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