Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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