i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
