What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
