A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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