he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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