Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
even my farts smell like vagina
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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