She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
