What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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