Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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