she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
