When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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