I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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