i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
