Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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