i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
