My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
lol hangovers are for mortals.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
