im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
