i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
