Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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