it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
