woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
