He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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