He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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