Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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