took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
