Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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