Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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