Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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