question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
