Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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